When I finally take a step forward I end up taking what feels like ten steps backwards. It never fails, I can't grasp why I continue to torture myself. Sell myself a dream and do everything to stop it from happening.
It was another ordinary morning sitting in front of my TV waiting for Oprah to start. The intro came on and I saw a familiar face, Iyanla Vanzant. A successful,intelligent, sassy, and one of the realist women I've ever heard speak. Her and Oprah were mending their relationship that went sour years back. But what stood out to me was Iyanla discussing how as all this success was coming her way, she was still dealing a fear of standing on her own.She didn't know how to receive some of the blessing coming her way. She was in talks with Oprah to develop her own show but couldn't grasp being given an opportunity that big. Iyanla did end up having her own show but with a network that unlike Oprah didn't support her vision, it was soon canceled. She said she didn't enjoy working there and even though she was treated wrong she stayed, simply because she was use to being treated badly. She couldn't recognize someone like Oprah wanting to nurture and mold her into the host Oprah believed she could be. But she accepted the poor treatment at the other network.She thought Oprah wanted her work, but not the woman behind it. In the end it was a big misunderstanding between them, but what I left with was a big life lesson.
I went on with my day with the show still on my mind. Why would Iyanla have doubt or fear even after she was successful? Sure those are only human emotions, but leaving Oprah? I wanted to share my feelings about the show so I called my dad. What I didn't expect was to be crying outside of class due to our conversation. I too have struggled with self doubt. I wonder if I'm kidding myself having all of these dreams and goals in life. I mean, what makes me different? Why should I out of all the people who haven't reached their goals, get to reach mine?
"You are killing your dream before you even get to live it."
My dad always knows how to snap me back into reality. If I told him I wanted to figure out how I could ride a bike to the moon E.T style, he would give me the most encouraging words. I've always been told I was special, that I would make something out of my life. "Shes going to be the one to do it" can be the motto for my life because of all the times I've heard it. This year I will be the first in my intermediate family and dads side to say I'm a college graduate. All eyes will be on me to see if what they all believe will happen, me becoming a successful woman. But I'm afraid. I don't want to let them down and more importantly I don't want to let myself down. I can't see myself trapped, not living the life my soul yearns for. The life that deep down I believe is meant for me.
"Your afraid of failure", said my dad. My response shocked him. "No, I'm afraid of success, I've become too comfortable with failure".
I can remember getting my first D in math when I was in grammar school. I cried my eyes out and worked my ass off to do better. Then the day came when getting a bad grade didn't instill fear in me, a day when failure represented faces I've seen my whole life. Again, what makes me different? That question will be hoovering over my head from now on, until I can find the answer. Self doubt is a monster in itself.
I watched a video of Iyanla speaking on courage where she said the first steps to courage is believing you can do it and knowing you can do it and if you don't have either fake it until you make it. I laughed, completely understanding where she's coming from. Though I question if I will see my dreams become a reality, I simply wont stop until I have a concrete answer. Some days I wake up and say Kenyetta one day you will have your work published, you will be living comfortably with an amazing husband and the coolest kids. The next, who are you kidding, you can't even get folks to read your blog, you've been single for a while now, oh and by the way infertility runs in the family. I know, cruel. That back and forth is my faking it until I make it. As time goes on and I continue to grow and find my niche, those down days will fade away at least I pray it does.
Don't get me wrong I know in my heart I'm not meant to live a life that isn't extraordinary. My days of looking out my window only to see poverty and crime are far behind me.I Just have to keep believing. I have to put in more effort to better myself and my work. I have to stop worring if others will like what I do and simply do it for me and my happiness. To become someone I am proud of. To be the sister, daughter, niece and cousin that can be looked up too. To be the one that made it. I just, have to get out of my own way.
Do you doubt yourself? What do you do to snap yourself out of it?